Mmm, more introspective thinking for me as of late. I know the cause, I know why I'm doing it, and I know that it's based off of the same train of thought that I am perpetually on inside of my mind. But, let's actually write it down for once.
So, in chronological order I go: it all began last Thursday (the latest strain of my "thought" that is). I had been chatting with my friend in PR and wasn't feeling particularly happy--also known as depressed--and brought it up. She's a great friend of mine but lives really far away, and I brought up the fact that I felt as if we would only drift apart. This led to a long-ish conversation which left me only even more depressed than I had started (that seems to be how it always gets us).
It's really only been going downhill from there. Once I get started on a train of thought like this, it may take a long while to get me out of it. Whenever there is time to think--and believe me, with me, there is always time--I do so. I drift through the what if's, the what will's, so many scenarios, attempting to explain why I am so miserable. What happened in my life, where did I go wrong? What can I do to fix it? Will I be happy in the end? Am I being selfish asking for happiness? How do others do it so easily? Is it easy? Why could I never have had that group to be with and enjoy the "normal" school experience? And... well, I think you get the point.
The biggest problem, I would say, is that my mind has no answers. For years I have had similar thoughts and thought about them every free chance I got. Am I any better for it? Most likely not. Obviously then, I should go seek advice or something. Well, I'm not too keen on the idea--plus there really isn't anybody I could go to with this anymore. I lost a friend before because of it, I don't want to again. But at this rate, there really isn't anybody that I could lose...
Oh, back on topic. Well, my friend in PR is one of the few people I truly care for. But after that conversation, I only realized how attached I had been getting... and the only previous experiences which I've had only ended in pain for me. Again, I'm not too keen on getting attached, as much as it hurts to not, because of how much it could hurt. Am I a coward for doing so?
Another reason: is it worth having a friend so far away? Hell... do I deserve such a good friend? I've been thinking that I should focus on the here (literal in both time and space) and now, not the future. Over the summer I made a lot of new friends, and I had the time of my life. If I could somehow do this again then maybe I can get that little bit of Elysium I've always wanted. My own place to belong. People that really do care about me, and who I can care for. I, don't think I've really ever had this. I've experienced here and there, but it never lasted more than a few weeks. God how much I'd love that again.
There was another thought I had, though. Perhaps, it's not that I haven't been trying hard enough. Maybe I've been trying too hard. For months now (I can't actually remember when it started) I've been trying to find people to hang with and just be with someone all of the time. Obviously I've failed miserably so many times. But this "goal" is always on my mind, and it has sometimes paid off. Yet, one thing that I haven't done in forever is just sat down and read a book. Or just played a video game. Or spent a day resting. Don't get me wrong, I've done all of these things, but never willingly and just because I wanted to. Before I always thought I hadn't done this because I was in college, I was supposed to be busy. But now... maybe I'm just desperate, but I'm gonna give it a try.
*phew* Ok, I think that'll be it for now. A change of topic then!
So, interesting conversation a few days ago. I have a friend--my chemistry partner actually--whom I got into a great talk with. The topic? Well, sort of religion. Sort of...
It began with me asking him what he thought about "what if"s (I was depressed, ok?). This took us on a long chat where we ended up talking about free will, the origin of the universe, and such. Quite interesting, but I would say the strangest/best part was when we actually got to talking about religion. He was asking me, if I didn't believe in God, why I attempted to be nice to people. For what reason, if in the end none of it would matter. Well, oddly enough, I had never been on that end of the conversation (only been on the other). So while it was new for me, I still backed myself up. In the end, we said we'd exchange books to read: he lent me the book Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. And I lent him... Fight Club ^_^;
I have just read the preface to the book so far, but it sounds interesting from what he told me. Can't wait to get started! (May either do that or play FFXII... we'll see)
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2 comments:
you and i seem to think the same.... on this issue atleast (:P). I struggle with that too at school... trying to find people that I want to spend time with, feeling like i need to spend time with people the majority of the time to feel happy, etc, etc. and while i am pretty outgoing, i find it hard to really connect with the people i meet. and i often feel like a burden. or i end up meeting people with whom i know i have little in common (ie some frat boys and party girls - i can do it for a little bit but honestly that's not realllllly who i am - sometimes i'd rather sit and talk then go out to the club and watch people drink and stuff) - so it's hard to make friends.
i'm still working on the solution myself.... i find, too, that it's hard for me to find time to hang out with people because all the other stuff that has to get done on a daily basis. so i wish both you and i luck in finding some sort of happiness/peace of mind/ direction.
Thanks, luck to both of us. If I find some sort of solution I'll make sure to give you an update :P
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