Wow, it feels like forever since I've written here. *checks* Eh, it's only been a few days, but still, these few days can add up to a week, and that week slowly become a month. Next thing I realize is that it really has been forever since I wrote! Now that would just lack any sort of couthness. *just found the real meaning of that word and is ready to abuse it to no ends*
Hmm, so why haven't I been able to write much? Well, that's a simple question to answer, as I just so happen to have so many good reasons that nobody will be able to continue without feeling shame. Um, yeah, because... I've been busy? Hey, I'm a college student who works, does homework, works some more, and watches Scrubs. You're lucky that I can find time away from my busy schedule to write in here. So be grateful :P
In all seriousness, though, I have been doing a lot of things. Weekends are extremely exhausting since I have programming team practice, work, and schoolwork. In essence, my Saturdays consist of waking up and going to practice, then work. I return exhausted and ready to do anything that involves me not doing anything... if that makes any sense to you. Sundays come around, another early morning. Go to work and return in the afternoon (just barely missing West End breakfast, damn!) to do homework or just lay around 'til the day comes to a close. Obviously that's no fun, but after such a tiring weekend the last thing I want to do is work some more. While I do know that blogs are usually about letting it all out, I really don't have much to let out afterwards. If I were a bit older, I'd come home to sit down with a nice glass of wine and my favorite TV show ("I'm looking at you Scrubs").
Even so, there was that first weekend where I went out Saturday night, just to have work the next day at ten. So what if I was up until five in the morning? And what if I wasn't one bit tired the next day? Well, then I'd say I should do that more often (even if I more or less passed out when I hit my pillow that night)! I plan to, but maybe not this weekend... philosophy paper that I have to score well on is due the next Monday >.<;;
Ooh, good news though! We've been doing all of these programming practices for a while now--two months mebbe?--so you'd think the contest would be coming up somewhat soon, right? And you'd be right! Why, in fact, this Saturday we'll be having the competition at Radford and we'll get our chance to kick major ass (I hear our team's pretty good). While that's fun and all--'cept for the getting up at seven part--one of the best parts is that I'll get a whole day off of work. In addition to that, after the contest ends, I will have no more early Saturday morning things to do! Now if that's not exciting, I don't know what is. I mean, not only will I get to sleep in, but I won't have to go to work until two in the afternoon. Which basically entails my regaining of Friday nights.
Man, how sweet will that be. After this weekend--I guess next week too--I'll get to have mostly full weekends again. Go out Friday nights, sleep in Saturdays, work a bit, and have free time to enjoy myself. Not too shabby. Maybe throw in the occasional party or something, who knows? Oh, but just remember one thing: it will be fun.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Dream On
You know what I haven't talked about yet? Something that I love so much that I'm quite surprised I've never brought it up before in any previous post. Obviously--for those of you who know me--I'm talking about dreams.
What brought this topic to the front of my mind was one which I recently ('bout a few weeks now, but that can be recent-ish) had. Oh, and how odd it was. I'm not too keen on the details anymore--actually surprised that I remember even having it--but near the end of the dream I killed myself. Thing is, this happened after killing somebody else. ... and to make things even weirder: I didn't wake up after dying.
Ok, so I can't remember too well as to what exactly happened, it was just strange. I had been chasing somebody, while at the same time being chased. I had a knife in my hand, a big knife. And, I eventually caught up to the person I was chasing, readied my knife, and stabbed right in the chest. But just then I turned around to see the person chasing me right there. Before he could do anything I took the knife, slit my throat, and stabbed myself right in the chest. ... and I died. Yet, it was strange. I had one of those out-of-body experiences where I saw my body slump to the ground and looked around at the scene. My body laying there with my chaser standing above it with a weapon of some sort. It didn't matter what it was. A few seconds later I began descending down with fire all around. Hell, huh?
Luckily I woke up then. Um, but not really. I was still dreaming when I woke up, just somewhere else--perhaps in a totally different dream? Frankly I have no idea (it's a dream, they're not supposed to make sense). Still, it got me thinking...
The first thing that came to my mind was fear. It wasn't the thought of death per se, just, hmmm. I mean, sure I'd be hellishly disappointed and regretful for not having done so many things, yet that wasn't what got me in the end. More of... Inexistence. Not existing. Unh, I'm not even sure as to how to describe what happened. There was something else. Actually, I think I may need to recall the dream a bit more.
At one point--still not too sure of when this happened in the dream--I was literally non-existant. Was it when I died.. hmm. It may have been, but only for a split second. Still, that was enough to make me afraid--afraid to lose everything and everone. For that moment, as short as it was, I sat there confined to myself, the things in my mind. There was no sight, smell, feel, taste, or sound; no senses whatsoever in that place. I was alone, with not a person there. Never had I felt so abandoned or just flat out lonely before. But thankfully this was for just a mere fraction of a second. Perhaps a flash. I can tell you, though, I would never want to go through that once more. That would be ultimate torture.
Was it inexistence? From the sound of it (heh, there I go talking like I'm analyzing myself), it seems as if it was not exactly. I existed to myself in thought and such. You know, if Descartes was at all right with "Cogito, ergo sum," then I most definitely existed. Hmmm, really, true inexistence is more or less an unimaginable thought--at least for me. Heh, then again--according to Hume--it's quite a pointless question to ponder over.
So yeah, I'm actually quite disappointed in myself. I have many other dreams that I want to talk about but I definitely got side-tracked here. Mebbe I need to have a part 2 to this? Yeah, that's what I'll do... so 'til then. I'm off to sleep, oyasumi!
What brought this topic to the front of my mind was one which I recently ('bout a few weeks now, but that can be recent-ish) had. Oh, and how odd it was. I'm not too keen on the details anymore--actually surprised that I remember even having it--but near the end of the dream I killed myself. Thing is, this happened after killing somebody else. ... and to make things even weirder: I didn't wake up after dying.
Ok, so I can't remember too well as to what exactly happened, it was just strange. I had been chasing somebody, while at the same time being chased. I had a knife in my hand, a big knife. And, I eventually caught up to the person I was chasing, readied my knife, and stabbed right in the chest. But just then I turned around to see the person chasing me right there. Before he could do anything I took the knife, slit my throat, and stabbed myself right in the chest. ... and I died. Yet, it was strange. I had one of those out-of-body experiences where I saw my body slump to the ground and looked around at the scene. My body laying there with my chaser standing above it with a weapon of some sort. It didn't matter what it was. A few seconds later I began descending down with fire all around. Hell, huh?
Luckily I woke up then. Um, but not really. I was still dreaming when I woke up, just somewhere else--perhaps in a totally different dream? Frankly I have no idea (it's a dream, they're not supposed to make sense). Still, it got me thinking...
The first thing that came to my mind was fear. It wasn't the thought of death per se, just, hmmm. I mean, sure I'd be hellishly disappointed and regretful for not having done so many things, yet that wasn't what got me in the end. More of... Inexistence. Not existing. Unh, I'm not even sure as to how to describe what happened. There was something else. Actually, I think I may need to recall the dream a bit more.
At one point--still not too sure of when this happened in the dream--I was literally non-existant. Was it when I died.. hmm. It may have been, but only for a split second. Still, that was enough to make me afraid--afraid to lose everything and everone. For that moment, as short as it was, I sat there confined to myself, the things in my mind. There was no sight, smell, feel, taste, or sound; no senses whatsoever in that place. I was alone, with not a person there. Never had I felt so abandoned or just flat out lonely before. But thankfully this was for just a mere fraction of a second. Perhaps a flash. I can tell you, though, I would never want to go through that once more. That would be ultimate torture.
Was it inexistence? From the sound of it (heh, there I go talking like I'm analyzing myself), it seems as if it was not exactly. I existed to myself in thought and such. You know, if Descartes was at all right with "Cogito, ergo sum," then I most definitely existed. Hmmm, really, true inexistence is more or less an unimaginable thought--at least for me. Heh, then again--according to Hume--it's quite a pointless question to ponder over.
So yeah, I'm actually quite disappointed in myself. I have many other dreams that I want to talk about but I definitely got side-tracked here. Mebbe I need to have a part 2 to this? Yeah, that's what I'll do... so 'til then. I'm off to sleep, oyasumi!
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Workin' Me Arse Off
So I definitely spent over ten hours of my life working at Sbarro last weekend. Yeah.
There are a few things that are happening since I begun there:
1. My efficiency factor is at an all-time high!
2. I don't actually entirely fully hate my job with the burning passion of a thousand suns.
3. Lack of sleep is getting to me once more.
4. Now this is a big one... I cannot stand the sight of pizza.
Starting from the top--er, actually, let's go from the bottom. Just for the hell of it. I mean, breaking standards and cultural traditions is what I'm all about, right? Good, glad you agree. From the bottom!
Standing behind a counter full of pizza for hours on end is one of the last things I've ever wanted to do (you know, up there with working at a fast food joint). So far that is all that I have gotten to do--serve pizza to all the friendly customers. After my first shift--five hours long--we had a lot of pizza left over. If memory serves me, more than five entire pizzas, freshly baked too. We threw away those and took only what had been sitting out. Even so, that added up to almost four whole pizzas. Unfortunately, as much as I detested the sight and smell of pizza at that moment, I was starving (treacherous stomach!). *deep sigh* thus I gave in.
Right onto sleep deprivation--still one of me fav activities. It's summed up pretty simply I'd say:
sleeping at five in the morning after being out most of the night and then getting up to work at nine. I'd say it was the dumbest thing that I've done as of late, but the dumber decision happened during the night, not as a result of the night.
Third. I really don't. My job, while it is fast food, has some satisfying things to it. It's one of those jobs where you can space out for hours on end and realize that you just made a few good bucks. That and you can also talk to everyone there and not get yelled at every single second. Pretty cool actually. I've met a few people who are just down-right nifty and make me want to meet them outside of the workplace. I may, and most likely, will at some point in the future. But for now I'mma just stick with learning how to make pizza (disgusting >.<).
And last, but most importantly first, when you are pressed for time, you tend to do things in a much more efficient manner. Hell, the first night off of work, I went and worked out, did my chemistry lab, and had time to go out and stay out 'til five. And after all of that, I was still not tired when I went to work the next day--so what if I was falling asleep by seven Sunday evening? Efficiency++!!!
But you know what'll be really spiffy? The fact that I'm making money again. Here I come Final Fantasy XII! And eventually my very own Wii... can't wait. Of course when that actually does happen I'll need the money to supposrt myself. You know, after dropping out ^^;
There are a few things that are happening since I begun there:
1. My efficiency factor is at an all-time high!
2. I don't actually entirely fully hate my job with the burning passion of a thousand suns.
3. Lack of sleep is getting to me once more.
4. Now this is a big one... I cannot stand the sight of pizza.
Starting from the top--er, actually, let's go from the bottom. Just for the hell of it. I mean, breaking standards and cultural traditions is what I'm all about, right? Good, glad you agree. From the bottom!
Standing behind a counter full of pizza for hours on end is one of the last things I've ever wanted to do (you know, up there with working at a fast food joint). So far that is all that I have gotten to do--serve pizza to all the friendly customers. After my first shift--five hours long--we had a lot of pizza left over. If memory serves me, more than five entire pizzas, freshly baked too. We threw away those and took only what had been sitting out. Even so, that added up to almost four whole pizzas. Unfortunately, as much as I detested the sight and smell of pizza at that moment, I was starving (treacherous stomach!). *deep sigh* thus I gave in.
Right onto sleep deprivation--still one of me fav activities. It's summed up pretty simply I'd say:
sleeping at five in the morning after being out most of the night and then getting up to work at nine. I'd say it was the dumbest thing that I've done as of late, but the dumber decision happened during the night, not as a result of the night.
Third. I really don't. My job, while it is fast food, has some satisfying things to it. It's one of those jobs where you can space out for hours on end and realize that you just made a few good bucks. That and you can also talk to everyone there and not get yelled at every single second. Pretty cool actually. I've met a few people who are just down-right nifty and make me want to meet them outside of the workplace. I may, and most likely, will at some point in the future. But for now I'mma just stick with learning how to make pizza (disgusting >.<).
And last, but most importantly first, when you are pressed for time, you tend to do things in a much more efficient manner. Hell, the first night off of work, I went and worked out, did my chemistry lab, and had time to go out and stay out 'til five. And after all of that, I was still not tired when I went to work the next day--so what if I was falling asleep by seven Sunday evening? Efficiency++!!!
But you know what'll be really spiffy? The fact that I'm making money again. Here I come Final Fantasy XII! And eventually my very own Wii... can't wait. Of course when that actually does happen I'll need the money to supposrt myself. You know, after dropping out ^^;
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
It Was Bound to Happen
Sooner or later, I would assume that every teenage(-ish) boy talks about this topic. I'd say that, although I do think about this quite often, it's not my fault that I'm bringing it up. Ideally we wouldn't even stray anywhere near this, but, of course, life throws us curve balls all of the time. What is it this time? Well, it all comes down to this: a 13-year-old girl recently admitted that she loved me.
Love. What a fickle word (is that even the right term? *checks* Mmmm, close enough). It has a million meanings in a world where our feelings are vague and where we can be vague in attempting to explain them. And all of this ambiguity is worsened by the fact that many words, love included, are context-specific. As such they can be easily misinterpreted anytime you're not talking to someone in person--thus you are capable of seeing their facial expressions and hearing the intonation in their voice and so on. Obviously the worst case scenario would be speaking to someone about the topic over the internet. ... which is exactly how this happened. But more on that later!
First, I'mma start with my track record. It is probably one of the shortest and worst--statistically that is--you will ever see. It's actually summed up in about one sentence. And no, it's not a run-on:
I have only asked out one girl before, and she said no.
Now that I think about it, I really could've put that more eloquently >.>;; oh well.
Yup, it is literally that bad. But I'm not gonna blame it on bad luck or on me being a total wuss (even if both of those do play some part in this whole thing). Instead, I work to improve my condition--not to mention that record there. To do that I'll summarize what's been going on. Hmm, while I'm not one to get too personal on something like this, I feel like I can't get to my point (er, what was my point?) without doing so in this case. So just buckle in. And if you really want to, you can stop reading. But if you don't, just to inform you, this is about as emo as I'll get.
Let's start with all those "crushes." My first one (and dare I say last?) was in 8th grade. But I was still a kid and she moved by the end of the year, so nothing happened. Then there were a few girls in high school, but none of them were at all serious. Eventually, in 11th grade, my first cursh moved back to Ashburn and so did my crush on her. That didn't really work as in the end of the year I asked her to prom and got a prompt-ish no. So much for that. Thus high school closed and last summer came. Fun huh?
On that trip to Europe I got a crush on one of the girls on the trip. I didn't know her too well before and, considering that she would still be in high school the upcoming year, I decided not to act on it. But, she began growing on me and eventually I changed my mind... a little too late. Actually, what I wanted didn't matter in this situation. In the end she liked someone else and that someone liked her back. Oops.
I spiraled into emo faster than you could say "Damnit! I'm out of emoflakes!" Thankfully that only lasted a week because one week later I found myself in the Caribbean thousands of miles away from my own internal drama.
In Puerto Rico that week was where I found my closest thing to love ever (or better put... my first good friend who happens to be a girl?). Literally the fastest friend I've ever made from the first call to those precious few hours we spent together in person both for the first and, as of now, last time. After I left we've kept in contact, but obviously it will never happen. And, although I never had a crush on her per se, those what if's never stop from crossing the mind.
Here at Tech I am constantly trying to meet new people. This includes, but is not limited to, friends. Yup, friends. In my time I've made many guy friends and no girl friends whatsoever. Bummer, no? Maybe one day, but it took me four years of high school to learn how to make any friends, let's just hope that it doesn't take me that long again. Now onto more important matters!
And we shall end where I started this. I met her (the 13-year-old) a few days before I graduated from high school. She and her sister (15) had just recently moved from Columbia to Puerto Rico and was living on the first floor of my grandma's house. Being new in town, the two of them had no friends yet and would not start school for a few months, thus my dad decided to invite them to my graduation since my grandma was already coming. To save money he also went ahead and had them stay over at our house for the duration--two whole weeks. I didn't really mind, though; in a few days I would be graduating then heading out to Europe to have the time of my life (well, that was before PR, but it was great when it happened).
But things weren't that simple. The two girls (out of loneliness? Boredom?) wanted to chat with me and often asked me what I was up to while I read--it's about all I did at home during that time. So I talked to them and we chatted in my room and such, but it was always kinda awkward since I didn't know them and since I still don't know Spanish too well. Yet, things went along fine, I graduated, went to Europe, end of story. ... but not really.
Sure, I did chat with the two online from time to time but never really got to know them (same distance problem again). Still, you can imagine my surprise--actually, half-surprise--when the younger one said she "loved" me. Of course it was over the internet, and it was me trying to figure out if she meant she liked me or (stealing from Hey Arnold here) liked me liked me. Yeah, turned out to be the latter and I was extremely... flattered? Iono, quite an awkward situation to be in. Thing is that I was half-expecting it; I sorta forced it out of her. The few times that I was around her, she seemed shy and, well, acted nervous. I had a feeling, but was never sure--it's never happened to me before. Oh well, go figure. Just my luck, neh?
That's about it. So when I look back on this, I can't help but feel frustrated and extremely out of luck when it comes to these types of situations. Yeah sure, I don't have ridiculous drama in my life, but I sure do have some of the most messed up stories to tell. Ugh, I just wonder why I can't find anybody who lives close to me and is around my age. ... -_- and I know what you're thinking. Even if I look 13 I'm not!
Please excuse me for the following statement:
God damn that was long.
Love. What a fickle word (is that even the right term? *checks* Mmmm, close enough). It has a million meanings in a world where our feelings are vague and where we can be vague in attempting to explain them. And all of this ambiguity is worsened by the fact that many words, love included, are context-specific. As such they can be easily misinterpreted anytime you're not talking to someone in person--thus you are capable of seeing their facial expressions and hearing the intonation in their voice and so on. Obviously the worst case scenario would be speaking to someone about the topic over the internet. ... which is exactly how this happened. But more on that later!
First, I'mma start with my track record. It is probably one of the shortest and worst--statistically that is--you will ever see. It's actually summed up in about one sentence. And no, it's not a run-on:
I have only asked out one girl before, and she said no.
Now that I think about it, I really could've put that more eloquently >.>;; oh well.
Yup, it is literally that bad. But I'm not gonna blame it on bad luck or on me being a total wuss (even if both of those do play some part in this whole thing). Instead, I work to improve my condition--not to mention that record there. To do that I'll summarize what's been going on. Hmm, while I'm not one to get too personal on something like this, I feel like I can't get to my point (er, what was my point?) without doing so in this case. So just buckle in. And if you really want to, you can stop reading. But if you don't, just to inform you, this is about as emo as I'll get.
Let's start with all those "crushes." My first one (and dare I say last?) was in 8th grade. But I was still a kid and she moved by the end of the year, so nothing happened. Then there were a few girls in high school, but none of them were at all serious. Eventually, in 11th grade, my first cursh moved back to Ashburn and so did my crush on her. That didn't really work as in the end of the year I asked her to prom and got a prompt-ish no. So much for that. Thus high school closed and last summer came. Fun huh?
On that trip to Europe I got a crush on one of the girls on the trip. I didn't know her too well before and, considering that she would still be in high school the upcoming year, I decided not to act on it. But, she began growing on me and eventually I changed my mind... a little too late. Actually, what I wanted didn't matter in this situation. In the end she liked someone else and that someone liked her back. Oops.
I spiraled into emo faster than you could say "Damnit! I'm out of emoflakes!" Thankfully that only lasted a week because one week later I found myself in the Caribbean thousands of miles away from my own internal drama.
In Puerto Rico that week was where I found my closest thing to love ever (or better put... my first good friend who happens to be a girl?). Literally the fastest friend I've ever made from the first call to those precious few hours we spent together in person both for the first and, as of now, last time. After I left we've kept in contact, but obviously it will never happen. And, although I never had a crush on her per se, those what if's never stop from crossing the mind.
Here at Tech I am constantly trying to meet new people. This includes, but is not limited to, friends. Yup, friends. In my time I've made many guy friends and no girl friends whatsoever. Bummer, no? Maybe one day, but it took me four years of high school to learn how to make any friends, let's just hope that it doesn't take me that long again. Now onto more important matters!
And we shall end where I started this. I met her (the 13-year-old) a few days before I graduated from high school. She and her sister (15) had just recently moved from Columbia to Puerto Rico and was living on the first floor of my grandma's house. Being new in town, the two of them had no friends yet and would not start school for a few months, thus my dad decided to invite them to my graduation since my grandma was already coming. To save money he also went ahead and had them stay over at our house for the duration--two whole weeks. I didn't really mind, though; in a few days I would be graduating then heading out to Europe to have the time of my life (well, that was before PR, but it was great when it happened).
But things weren't that simple. The two girls (out of loneliness? Boredom?) wanted to chat with me and often asked me what I was up to while I read--it's about all I did at home during that time. So I talked to them and we chatted in my room and such, but it was always kinda awkward since I didn't know them and since I still don't know Spanish too well. Yet, things went along fine, I graduated, went to Europe, end of story. ... but not really.
Sure, I did chat with the two online from time to time but never really got to know them (same distance problem again). Still, you can imagine my surprise--actually, half-surprise--when the younger one said she "loved" me. Of course it was over the internet, and it was me trying to figure out if she meant she liked me or (stealing from Hey Arnold here) liked me liked me. Yeah, turned out to be the latter and I was extremely... flattered? Iono, quite an awkward situation to be in. Thing is that I was half-expecting it; I sorta forced it out of her. The few times that I was around her, she seemed shy and, well, acted nervous. I had a feeling, but was never sure--it's never happened to me before. Oh well, go figure. Just my luck, neh?
That's about it. So when I look back on this, I can't help but feel frustrated and extremely out of luck when it comes to these types of situations. Yeah sure, I don't have ridiculous drama in my life, but I sure do have some of the most messed up stories to tell. Ugh, I just wonder why I can't find anybody who lives close to me and is around my age. ... -_- and I know what you're thinking. Even if I look 13 I'm not!
Please excuse me for the following statement:
God damn that was long.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
I've Been Thinking...
Introspectively as usual. Actually, I have no idea where I'll go with this, but maybe it'll start with my view on "personality."
So I was having a nice chat with Brandon, a friend of mine over at William and Mary, and brought up the topic. I asked him one simple question. "Can personality be quantified?" His answer was one which I didn't expect at all. But then again, I always believe that interpretation of the question is half the answer ^_^
He went on about how people had different talents and areas of interest. One person may like soccer a lot, math somewhat, writing not at all, drawing a tiny bit, and playing frisbee a good amount. Another may like messing with computers a bunch, reading about everything, and running long distances. However, his main point centered around one fact: all of these add up to one personality. No matter what kinds aptitudes someone may have or what things he or she finds appealing, it all adds up to "1." So, in essence, all people are quantifiable in their personality, since all of their likes and talents, along with the degrees of the two, sum up to one. Wow, not at all what I was looking for, yet definitely something worth pondering about--and I have, many times before.
Now that I think about it, this was actually one of my ways for saying that "all men are created equal." (Thanks to Jeffy for that quote.) Back in the day when I sat there depressed because everybody was so much better than me at everything, I'd use this knowledge to attempt to cheer me up. I said to myself (keep in mind I was still religious back then), "God wouldn't create some people better than others. We're all the same, just add up every talent you have and it adds up to the same as someone else's. You're just not looking at it the right way." It didn't always cheer me up, but I still believe it holds some truth.
Hmmm, so speaking of depression, another thing that's popped into my mind has been my reliance on people. The best example of this would be last summer, when our little Europe group would hang out very often. That and the regular group, which was always fun. But yeah, it comes down to me hanging with people almost everyday all day long. I loved it to no ends. Really, that was the best summer I had ever had... but I digress.
I need people. Well, I would say that most of us need people, but my dependence on them has gotten pretty strong lately. I could blame summer, but that'd be kinda mean. Instead, I'll just say that I can get very attached to people, since I'm a caring person. I'm one of those who will remember the most random things people did or said and analyze all the little details. Not smart if you want to be happy, I'll say that much. But because of this, just being with people makes my life extremely enjoyable. And, you know, we tend to be with people pretty damn often. Somewhere around 90% of the time? I dunno, ask a statician or something.
Back on track: yes, I need people. My biggest fear is that all of the people I knew would just leave me alone for the rest of my life. It's a scary thing and, while it is somewhat of an unfounded fear, I really hope that it will never truly happen.
Right, now that I got that out I can give you all what I think on the quantification of personality. Brandon's idea was ridiculously interesting, but I had a more physical approach to it. I meant, could you take someone's brain--their "personality" that is--and take a sort of snapshot of it and then reconstruct a perfect replica. A replica which was, in essence, the same person. Just the right number of chemicals here and there and the right shape and the cells in the right spot. Would it be the exact same person? I believe so, but obviously there's no solid proof. And if you have no idea what I'm talking about, then you should read this.
All in all, my little personality theory stemmed from a curious thought: "Did everything have to happen the way it did?" Since everything seems to be caused by something else--cause and effect--then doesn't it seem like there really is no alternative? I dunno. I'm guessing most people would look at me and think me a freak for thinking this, still I think it's an interesting path to take. If you followed it, you may be able to disprove "free will." Hmmm, maybe more on this later.
Not a sermon, just a thought.
So I was having a nice chat with Brandon, a friend of mine over at William and Mary, and brought up the topic. I asked him one simple question. "Can personality be quantified?" His answer was one which I didn't expect at all. But then again, I always believe that interpretation of the question is half the answer ^_^
He went on about how people had different talents and areas of interest. One person may like soccer a lot, math somewhat, writing not at all, drawing a tiny bit, and playing frisbee a good amount. Another may like messing with computers a bunch, reading about everything, and running long distances. However, his main point centered around one fact: all of these add up to one personality. No matter what kinds aptitudes someone may have or what things he or she finds appealing, it all adds up to "1." So, in essence, all people are quantifiable in their personality, since all of their likes and talents, along with the degrees of the two, sum up to one. Wow, not at all what I was looking for, yet definitely something worth pondering about--and I have, many times before.
Now that I think about it, this was actually one of my ways for saying that "all men are created equal." (Thanks to Jeffy for that quote.) Back in the day when I sat there depressed because everybody was so much better than me at everything, I'd use this knowledge to attempt to cheer me up. I said to myself (keep in mind I was still religious back then), "God wouldn't create some people better than others. We're all the same, just add up every talent you have and it adds up to the same as someone else's. You're just not looking at it the right way." It didn't always cheer me up, but I still believe it holds some truth.
Hmmm, so speaking of depression, another thing that's popped into my mind has been my reliance on people. The best example of this would be last summer, when our little Europe group would hang out very often. That and the regular group, which was always fun. But yeah, it comes down to me hanging with people almost everyday all day long. I loved it to no ends. Really, that was the best summer I had ever had... but I digress.
I need people. Well, I would say that most of us need people, but my dependence on them has gotten pretty strong lately. I could blame summer, but that'd be kinda mean. Instead, I'll just say that I can get very attached to people, since I'm a caring person. I'm one of those who will remember the most random things people did or said and analyze all the little details. Not smart if you want to be happy, I'll say that much. But because of this, just being with people makes my life extremely enjoyable. And, you know, we tend to be with people pretty damn often. Somewhere around 90% of the time? I dunno, ask a statician or something.
Back on track: yes, I need people. My biggest fear is that all of the people I knew would just leave me alone for the rest of my life. It's a scary thing and, while it is somewhat of an unfounded fear, I really hope that it will never truly happen.
Right, now that I got that out I can give you all what I think on the quantification of personality. Brandon's idea was ridiculously interesting, but I had a more physical approach to it. I meant, could you take someone's brain--their "personality" that is--and take a sort of snapshot of it and then reconstruct a perfect replica. A replica which was, in essence, the same person. Just the right number of chemicals here and there and the right shape and the cells in the right spot. Would it be the exact same person? I believe so, but obviously there's no solid proof. And if you have no idea what I'm talking about, then you should read this.
All in all, my little personality theory stemmed from a curious thought: "Did everything have to happen the way it did?" Since everything seems to be caused by something else--cause and effect--then doesn't it seem like there really is no alternative? I dunno. I'm guessing most people would look at me and think me a freak for thinking this, still I think it's an interesting path to take. If you followed it, you may be able to disprove "free will." Hmmm, maybe more on this later.
Not a sermon, just a thought.
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Trip Down in the Caribbean (Part 4)
And this should be the last one... I think.
I noticed that in my previous post I had forgotten one very important thing. Thursday, the day in which more or less absolutely nothing happened, night there was the big fight. And I mean big.
Ever seen that show? Yeah, that's right, Family Feud. Well, it was nothing like that--in more or less every single way possible--but it was an intra-family feud. I'm not too keen on the details, but I think it goes like this:
My grandma (mom's side) wanted to get a sort of ID card or something from Puerto Rico so that she could show it when necessary (she lived in Miami but before in PR). So she asked my other grandma (... obviously dad's side), who works for the government there, when she came to visit. Now this part is a little technical, but it breaks down to it being illegal for one reason or another. It really should've ended there, yet, unfortunately, it didn't. Instead, my parents and aunt were brought into the mix.
My aunt, who has been trying to take care of her mother for a while now, heard about this and asked my mom to talk to my dad to talk to his mom so that she would do it. Now if you didn't follow that (if you did congrats) the last sentence just means that my aunt tried to convince my grandma to do it anyways, even if it was illegal. That's where things went bad. My dad didn't want do get involved in this and my mom agreed, 'twas not a good idea. However, my aunt kept pushing and pushing. Eventually, Thursday night, she got so angry that she threw a lamp... close to me I hear. Immediately my parents became fed up. We decided to leave and stay with my grandma that night then the next night find a hotel. Thus, very late that night, we left Casa Picaflores (finally...) for the last time.
Friday: This was a good day. A very good day.
Why was it so good? Because I got to hang with my friend more or less the entire day. And then I got to hang with my other friend, the one that was supposedly out of town the whole week. So I got the best of both worlds: I wouldn't have met the first friend without the other being out of town, yet I got to hang with the second. Works for me.
Ok, I admit it, I forgot to mention something. During the whole fight, which lasted about an hour including the awkward silence afterwards, I got a call from my friend. ... so I instantly fled the dining room--AKA the battleground--and went outside to chat (let's take a moment to thank God for cordless phones). Once outside we talked for a while and I told her what was going on. In return, she told me that tomorrow, Friday, she and a group of her friends were gonna go out to eat at Fuddrucker's (sp? oh well). Of course I agreed, even if I'm not a fan of burgers and the such; just had to find a way to get my parents to take me to her house again.
Luckily, my parents are understanding. All I had to do was tell them about the plan and they agreed to find a hotel near the area--the area being her house and, more importantly, the site of the family reunion. However, I didn't care; I just wanted to enjoy myself once more. So we left my grandma's house in San Juan and headed west. A bit later (can't remember too well, but it couldn't have been that long) I was once again outside of my friend's house.
Again, no awkward silence or time needed to adjust, we just got along. And it was awesome ^^ Thus we proceeded to watch one of our favorite shows... Scrubs!!! *heavenly chorus singing* Five episodes later, many jokes and ridiculous times shared, I think some dancing, music, more laughter and such, it was time to head out. Good thing too, I was getting hungry. Maybe I would actually eat something at Fuddrucker's after all--burger or something. If it was anything like Red Robin, then I would be satisfied.
Food happened. Oh, and just so you know, those milkshakes are delicious. I know I wouldn't mind one right now... Me and my friend arrived early (again... not that I'm complaining) and ended up waiting an hour before anybody else got there. Still, it was fun just hanging. Eventually people actually showed up so we all go to order some food and then sit in those really nifty old-timey booths. God so many hilarious jokes were told. Very funny. Also, we fit about 11 people in one of the aforementioned booths, creating what was deemed a "foot orgy." And, while I can't speak for anybody else, I know it was the best foot orgy I've ever had.
Good times don't last forever, and so we all had to go back home. However, there was one problem for me: I couldn't get in contact with my parents. They were supposed to pick me up around 9--I'd been with my friend for more than 6 hours by then--but were not answering either of their cell phones. Soooo I had to go back to my friend's house, *blatant sarcasm* what a bummer.
This time, for a period of almost two hours, we just sat around her house and chatted. Eventually I did talk to my dad, but by then plans had changed dramatically. No longer would I be returning to the hotel, instead I was going to go stay at my godfather's house, like the old times. See, at Fuddrucker's I found out that my godfather's son, a good friend of mine, had actually returned back home from some fencing camp. I got his number from my friend, his ex-girlfriend, and rang him up. A few minutes later, it was decided that I would spend the night, and I couldn't be more excited at all (well, I could have, but to do as such would have been impossible).
Again, good times don't last forever. While I did have a fantastic, it was just too short for me. It would have been fine (man I lie so much) had I spent the entire week hanging with friends instead of doing things that I really did not want to do. But I can't complain. This week, this blindingly short week had changed my life like no other week before. Hell, the happiness alone that I got was more than enough.
Saturday + Sunday: Well, the family reunion took place but other than eating traditional PuertoRican food (God yes!), I'd say that there's no much to talk about. After that ended, Sunday came, along with a 4 hour plane ride back home. And so, unfortunately (though every other time I visited PR with my family I would have said finally), our vacation came to a close. My family returned home, tired, but satisfied. I know I was. (And as any of my friends will tell you, I had never seemed more content any time before or after that week.)
I noticed that in my previous post I had forgotten one very important thing. Thursday, the day in which more or less absolutely nothing happened, night there was the big fight. And I mean big.
Ever seen that show? Yeah, that's right, Family Feud. Well, it was nothing like that--in more or less every single way possible--but it was an intra-family feud. I'm not too keen on the details, but I think it goes like this:
My grandma (mom's side) wanted to get a sort of ID card or something from Puerto Rico so that she could show it when necessary (she lived in Miami but before in PR). So she asked my other grandma (... obviously dad's side), who works for the government there, when she came to visit. Now this part is a little technical, but it breaks down to it being illegal for one reason or another. It really should've ended there, yet, unfortunately, it didn't. Instead, my parents and aunt were brought into the mix.
My aunt, who has been trying to take care of her mother for a while now, heard about this and asked my mom to talk to my dad to talk to his mom so that she would do it. Now if you didn't follow that (if you did congrats) the last sentence just means that my aunt tried to convince my grandma to do it anyways, even if it was illegal. That's where things went bad. My dad didn't want do get involved in this and my mom agreed, 'twas not a good idea. However, my aunt kept pushing and pushing. Eventually, Thursday night, she got so angry that she threw a lamp... close to me I hear. Immediately my parents became fed up. We decided to leave and stay with my grandma that night then the next night find a hotel. Thus, very late that night, we left Casa Picaflores (finally...) for the last time.
Friday: This was a good day. A very good day.
Why was it so good? Because I got to hang with my friend more or less the entire day. And then I got to hang with my other friend, the one that was supposedly out of town the whole week. So I got the best of both worlds: I wouldn't have met the first friend without the other being out of town, yet I got to hang with the second. Works for me.
Ok, I admit it, I forgot to mention something. During the whole fight, which lasted about an hour including the awkward silence afterwards, I got a call from my friend. ... so I instantly fled the dining room--AKA the battleground--and went outside to chat (let's take a moment to thank God for cordless phones). Once outside we talked for a while and I told her what was going on. In return, she told me that tomorrow, Friday, she and a group of her friends were gonna go out to eat at Fuddrucker's (sp? oh well). Of course I agreed, even if I'm not a fan of burgers and the such; just had to find a way to get my parents to take me to her house again.
Luckily, my parents are understanding. All I had to do was tell them about the plan and they agreed to find a hotel near the area--the area being her house and, more importantly, the site of the family reunion. However, I didn't care; I just wanted to enjoy myself once more. So we left my grandma's house in San Juan and headed west. A bit later (can't remember too well, but it couldn't have been that long) I was once again outside of my friend's house.
Again, no awkward silence or time needed to adjust, we just got along. And it was awesome ^^ Thus we proceeded to watch one of our favorite shows... Scrubs!!! *heavenly chorus singing* Five episodes later, many jokes and ridiculous times shared, I think some dancing, music, more laughter and such, it was time to head out. Good thing too, I was getting hungry. Maybe I would actually eat something at Fuddrucker's after all--burger or something. If it was anything like Red Robin, then I would be satisfied.
Food happened. Oh, and just so you know, those milkshakes are delicious. I know I wouldn't mind one right now... Me and my friend arrived early (again... not that I'm complaining) and ended up waiting an hour before anybody else got there. Still, it was fun just hanging. Eventually people actually showed up so we all go to order some food and then sit in those really nifty old-timey booths. God so many hilarious jokes were told. Very funny. Also, we fit about 11 people in one of the aforementioned booths, creating what was deemed a "foot orgy." And, while I can't speak for anybody else, I know it was the best foot orgy I've ever had.
Good times don't last forever, and so we all had to go back home. However, there was one problem for me: I couldn't get in contact with my parents. They were supposed to pick me up around 9--I'd been with my friend for more than 6 hours by then--but were not answering either of their cell phones. Soooo I had to go back to my friend's house, *blatant sarcasm* what a bummer.
This time, for a period of almost two hours, we just sat around her house and chatted. Eventually I did talk to my dad, but by then plans had changed dramatically. No longer would I be returning to the hotel, instead I was going to go stay at my godfather's house, like the old times. See, at Fuddrucker's I found out that my godfather's son, a good friend of mine, had actually returned back home from some fencing camp. I got his number from my friend, his ex-girlfriend, and rang him up. A few minutes later, it was decided that I would spend the night, and I couldn't be more excited at all (well, I could have, but to do as such would have been impossible).
Again, good times don't last forever. While I did have a fantastic, it was just too short for me. It would have been fine (man I lie so much) had I spent the entire week hanging with friends instead of doing things that I really did not want to do. But I can't complain. This week, this blindingly short week had changed my life like no other week before. Hell, the happiness alone that I got was more than enough.
Saturday + Sunday: Well, the family reunion took place but other than eating traditional PuertoRican food (God yes!), I'd say that there's no much to talk about. After that ended, Sunday came, along with a 4 hour plane ride back home. And so, unfortunately (though every other time I visited PR with my family I would have said finally), our vacation came to a close. My family returned home, tired, but satisfied. I know I was. (And as any of my friends will tell you, I had never seemed more content any time before or after that week.)
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Fractals: A Mathematician's Artistic Playground
I (because blogger is gay and won't let me use horizontal carroty brackets) *heart* this program. Now, I know that I'm not one to advertise things--lest there be money for me!--but I just have to. There's a short story as to how I came across it (yes, I'll get to what it is in a second). I was surfing deviantART and saw that they had a category called Fractal Art. Of course, this piqued my curiousity and I dug around searching for what other things. Eventually, I stumbled upon great beauties such as this and immediately wanted to find out how people created these masterpieces. Thankfully, Google is always there to help you search far and wide across the web. I'd say that around fifteen minutes later, I had already downloaded and installed Ultra Fractal.
This thing is so cool!! So it's been about a week since I've had it and I've gone through the tutorials that come with the program. They're good cause they teach how to do things, but the best part is that now I can just sit down and play with fractals for hours (er... not like I will. I'm a busy college student here... *cough*).
Seriously though, Ultra Fractal makes having fun with Photoshop seem like watching paint dry. While PS is fun and all, with UF you can instantly see changes occur by just typing in some new numbers or screwing around with the gradients. Most definitely cool. The problem now is that I'll have to learn how to use all the seven kazillion settings and tools in it to make nifty little things. It actually rivals PS's many features and functions so I doubt that I'll be able to pick it up quickly. Hmm, but we'll see, right?
*deep breath* Ok /rant: off. *powering-down sound* Enough bragging about how awesome it is (even if it is quite awesome!), onto fractals themselves. Actually, I never really gave a thought to fractal art before I saw them over at dA. It makes sense that I should like the style; it combines two of my favorite things. By now I assume you all know I'm a math person (comes with the tutoring people so often... or is it the other way around? Whatever), and if you had no idea, well now you know. Also, art. Not just any art, mind you, but the elegant chaos--like the kind seen in nature and a million other places--that comes through fractals. It's some of the coolest and at times the most beautiful things that can be made by man--and computer in this case. I just can't wait to find some time and play around with it.
Well that's 'bout all I've got to say about that. Been sorta busy but hopefully I'll post some longer/more meaningful things up... eventually ^^; Laters.
This thing is so cool!! So it's been about a week since I've had it and I've gone through the tutorials that come with the program. They're good cause they teach how to do things, but the best part is that now I can just sit down and play with fractals for hours (er... not like I will. I'm a busy college student here... *cough*).
Seriously though, Ultra Fractal makes having fun with Photoshop seem like watching paint dry. While PS is fun and all, with UF you can instantly see changes occur by just typing in some new numbers or screwing around with the gradients. Most definitely cool. The problem now is that I'll have to learn how to use all the seven kazillion settings and tools in it to make nifty little things. It actually rivals PS's many features and functions so I doubt that I'll be able to pick it up quickly. Hmm, but we'll see, right?
*deep breath* Ok /rant: off. *powering-down sound* Enough bragging about how awesome it is (even if it is quite awesome!), onto fractals themselves. Actually, I never really gave a thought to fractal art before I saw them over at dA. It makes sense that I should like the style; it combines two of my favorite things. By now I assume you all know I'm a math person (comes with the tutoring people so often... or is it the other way around? Whatever), and if you had no idea, well now you know. Also, art. Not just any art, mind you, but the elegant chaos--like the kind seen in nature and a million other places--that comes through fractals. It's some of the coolest and at times the most beautiful things that can be made by man--and computer in this case. I just can't wait to find some time and play around with it.
Well that's 'bout all I've got to say about that. Been sorta busy but hopefully I'll post some longer/more meaningful things up... eventually ^^; Laters.
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