Dream On

You know what I haven't talked about yet? Something that I love so much that I'm quite surprised I've never brought it up before in any previous post. Obviously--for those of you who know me--I'm talking about dreams.

What brought this topic to the front of my mind was one which I recently ('bout a few weeks now, but that can be recent-ish) had. Oh, and how odd it was. I'm not too keen on the details anymore--actually surprised that I remember even having it--but near the end of the dream I killed myself. Thing is, this happened after killing somebody else. ... and to make things even weirder: I didn't wake up after dying.

Ok, so I can't remember too well as to what exactly happened, it was just strange. I had been chasing somebody, while at the same time being chased. I had a knife in my hand, a big knife. And, I eventually caught up to the person I was chasing, readied my knife, and stabbed right in the chest. But just then I turned around to see the person chasing me right there. Before he could do anything I took the knife, slit my throat, and stabbed myself right in the chest. ... and I died. Yet, it was strange. I had one of those out-of-body experiences where I saw my body slump to the ground and looked around at the scene. My body laying there with my chaser standing above it with a weapon of some sort. It didn't matter what it was. A few seconds later I began descending down with fire all around. Hell, huh?

Luckily I woke up then. Um, but not really. I was still dreaming when I woke up, just somewhere else--perhaps in a totally different dream? Frankly I have no idea (it's a dream, they're not supposed to make sense). Still, it got me thinking...

The first thing that came to my mind was fear. It wasn't the thought of death per se, just, hmmm. I mean, sure I'd be hellishly disappointed and regretful for not having done so many things, yet that wasn't what got me in the end. More of... Inexistence. Not existing. Unh, I'm not even sure as to how to describe what happened. There was something else. Actually, I think I may need to recall the dream a bit more.

At one point--still not too sure of when this happened in the dream--I was literally non-existant. Was it when I died.. hmm. It may have been, but only for a split second. Still, that was enough to make me afraid--afraid to lose everything and everone. For that moment, as short as it was, I sat there confined to myself, the things in my mind. There was no sight, smell, feel, taste, or sound; no senses whatsoever in that place. I was alone, with not a person there. Never had I felt so abandoned or just flat out lonely before. But thankfully this was for just a mere fraction of a second. Perhaps a flash. I can tell you, though, I would never want to go through that once more. That would be ultimate torture.

Was it inexistence? From the sound of it (heh, there I go talking like I'm analyzing myself), it seems as if it was not exactly. I existed to myself in thought and such. You know, if Descartes was at all right with "Cogito, ergo sum," then I most definitely existed. Hmmm, really, true inexistence is more or less an unimaginable thought--at least for me. Heh, then again--according to Hume--it's quite a pointless question to ponder over.

So yeah, I'm actually quite disappointed in myself. I have many other dreams that I want to talk about but I definitely got side-tracked here. Mebbe I need to have a part 2 to this? Yeah, that's what I'll do... so 'til then. I'm off to sleep, oyasumi!