The Epic Search For... Myself?

The events portrayed in this blog correspond to a few weeks ago.

It's been a strange week for me. Within the span of a week, I've gone from crying like a baby into my plushie VT pillow, to banging my head on my desk in a depressed stupor, to realizing an extremely important fact that may prevent such banging in the future (no guarantees about the crying).

I had a nice--quite depressing for me though--conversation with Alina a little over a week ago. During it is when all the crying happened. Why exactly? Well, I'd think by now you all know how much I belittle myself and all that jazz (being vague there ^^;). Yeah, belittle is actually a poor word to use. It lacks all the self-loathing. Buuut, that's just a technicality. Plus, things have.. changed in a way.

Anyways, conversation. So in chatting with her, depression set in and for a few days it was the only thing on my mind...

The next week, 'twas a Tuesday, I'd had enough. Sorta just exploded in one of those angsty ways. Thus, that night I had a nice long chat with James where I ranted quite pointlessly and he yelled at me for being so damned stupid. And, oddly enough, I actually learned something from that little exchange. The next day, when I finally sat down to think about what had happened, I realized that James was right: I did suck at thinking about myself. It was one hell of a revelation to me, since I had never really considered the fact. I had a philosophy with which I analyzed the world and pretty much everything outside of myself. Yet, in all that time, whenever I thought about myself, the things I had done, or just reflected, I saw only the bad things; all of the things that I've missed out on, the things that I'm missing out on, wondering if I would actually ever attain such things... Yeah.

But, if you've ever considered things like I did--that is, in a negative way--it obviously gets you nowhere. One has to attempt to reflect without all the inner bias (which is what I try to do whenever I'm considering other things, go figure). But, this is really hard to do, so to get some help I decided to ask people two questions:
1. How do you think about yourself/reflect on the things that you have done?
2. What do you think about me?

And, after asking Alina those questions, I've seriously considered asking people a third one... What do you think about the world? That would be pretty cool, since it would cover the person I'm speaking with, myself, and then the rest. But for now, I think I'm good with just two.

So, you may say that these questions are pretty vague. They are, but I always preface them with my little discussion of why I'm asking them. Also, I've always believed that the interpretation of a question is half the answer, meaning that me keeping things vague just gives me more insight into the person answering... ^^; Yeah.

Well, so far I've gotten some very interesting answers, as you would expect. Getting the chance to hear somebody's views is so strange at times, but very refreshing. No longer am I forced to go in circles within my own head since I can just examine things through somebody else's eyes... in a way. Thankfully, I have to say, this is helping me out in ways I never imagined. No longer am I trapped to think of myself as a loser, useless, pointless, hopeless. Instead, I hear what people think about me, how they view me, which so far has been pretty consistent. Oh, and I've learned that if I ever want to feel good about myself, all I have to do is ask a few certain people what they think about me ;)

Ja for now!

No Time To...

... do a lot of things. Yeah, I've been busy lately.

First off, I am the secretary of CS Squared. Uh, well so far that hasn't meant much, but eventually it'll pile up. Instead, me and John have has to run the computer club down at Beek's (an elementary school here in Blacksburg) all by ourselves, when last semester we had six people working on it. It doesn't necessarily take up a lot of time, but it's just another thing I have. But yeah, it's pretty fun to do.

Another thing is the nineteen credits that I have, which is the maximum that any student is allowed to have without speaking to some adviser and getting special permission to take more. I have four classes Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, and then three on Thursday and Friday. So, I'm basically in class all day. Then, after the long days--ugh, Unix, Discrete, and Physics?--I have yet another thing to tend to... (before I can even begin my homework too)

I got yet another part time job here at the Tech. Yup, that's right. Gabe's a workin' man. Sort of.

Here we have a newspaper called The Collegiate Times. So one day a friend of mine tells me that he's part of the web development division which works on the website, posting the articles up everyday--among other things. Also, they apparently need people to help. Obviously, I think it a cromulent opportunity: helps me out by teaching me about the intrawebs and helps my resume out by giving it more things. Win win situation. There is one downside... actually, multiple. Like I said, I have work late at night, usually between eight and eleven, and I don't get back to do homework for a while. Annnd, so far it's unpaid--our division doesn't have enough money at the moment--but eventually I'll be a paid employee! *eyes shine* Actually, we're thinking of working on the website for our school yearbook and, if we do, we'll get five hundred dollars (lotta money!). And, according to my boss, I'll get half of it. Sa-weet.

But yeah, all these things have kept me busy. Oh, and programming practice started up again--on Saturday mornings as usual--which has me working even on weekends. It's all cool though, quite fun even. Really, I just want to get enough experience out of college to get a job I like which pays enough. Then, travel the world and enjoy myself. Oh, and learn. I love constantly learning about new things. In fact, my Science and Religion class has me questioning so many things that... well that's for another post. I think I'm done for now actually. I'll talk to you crazy people later.

Bundle of Ideas?

I had an idea the other day. Yeah, one of 'em philosophical ones (I really should get some sort of little intro music for when I get philosophical... it'd be cool). It all began in my Science and Religion class when an interesting topic was brought up:

We were talking about different forms of learning, in particular empiricism. Mike--it's what we call our teacher (cause that's his name)--was pointing out the distinction between it and rationalism. One of his points was that empiricists believe in a tabula rasa, or blank slate, meaning that when humans are born that their minds are empty. They have no knowledge, mainly the a priori kind, and will instead gain knowledge through their senses and experience. Yeah, that jazz.

Well, almost immediately after he made his point, somebody in the class just spoke out with a blatant "No." Curious, Mike asked her to explain. She went on to talk about instinct, which every animal has--humans not being an exception here. And then, that reminded me of what I was doing in Discrete Math a day before...

Sitting in Robeson 210 (if you're from Tech you probably know what room I'm talking about), bored out of my mind, I just started writing on the back of my notes. What'd I write? Eh, nothing special, but I'll put it up on dA later or something. I gotta finish it first, but the general gist was me wondering about two aspects of humans: emotion and rational thought. Comparing the two, thinking of how each one affects us all. I mean, give it a quick ponder... what would happen if we only had one or the other? Perfect rational thought. Would it create a perfect world? I don't think so, but it is quite the interesting topic. Need to sit down and give it more thought. Oh, and I don't even think I need to point out just how interesting a world with only emotion would be.

Right, so with the instinct thing in class brought up, I got to thinking--it's what I do. There is rational thought, human emotion, and.. instinct? Mm, sounds good to me! We are all born with instinct of sorts, although that is curbed both by our rational thought and emotion. Not entirely, mind you, but somewhat. Also, each person--being the special unique snowflake that we all are--uses each one in different amounts. I mean, that makes sense, right?

Not too sure what else to add at the moment. I really need to think things through a bit more. Maybe I'll do that when I go to bed. *shrugs* But don't worry, I'll keep you updated.

PS: Hmmmm, the title? It probably had something to do with philosophy of some sort. Don't really know, but just pretend that it's really important.

Finding Freedom (cont.)

Held on long enough? Good.

Saturday night, after watching Pan's Labyrinth with my parents, I did something highly uncharacteristically of me. Instead of staying home and going to bed early, I decided to--get ready to gasp here--take the initiative! *insert gasps* Yeah, that's right.

I was home and wanted to do something. I knew I would be home a few nights earlier, so I thought, why don't I find something to do? Thus, I did. Friday evening I had a chat with Maureen and decided that I would go and visit her over at American University (which for you non-Northern VA people, is in Washington, DC (which for you non-Northern VA people, is about forty minutes away from my home)). Originally she invited me to go to a party of sorts but in the end she never heard from her friend(s?) that was holding it. So instead I just went over and we hung--I got a grand tour of the tiny (in comparison to Tech's) campus. Twas fun and much better than staying at home doing nothing.

Mmmm, that was ridiculously vague. Oh well. I had a point to bringing this up... *thinks... hard-er* Ohhhh! I got it.

Right, so I was taking initiative. I almost feel kind of bad for lying so horridly that night. In my head I had had the whole thing planned for days--which is funny cause the whole thing wasn't planned until Saturday at like 10 PM--so I was forced to adapt to the situation. I went with my parents to the car show so that they'd be a little more lenient with me (although I'll admit I had fun) and I obviously talked to Maureen and told her that I was bored because I wanted to go visit. ... I feel manipulative >.< Unh, things can never be natural when it comes to social situations for me. Go go suckiness at life!

Erm, back on topic. I told my parents that I was going to stay at Alex's (Berserk's) house cause 1. they didn't know him and 2. he lived relatively close. Instead of a fifteen minute car ride, though, I went to DC, a 45 minute ride. No worries, I planned ahead. Had the gas, had directions, hell, it's like everything went exactly as I had planned it. I dunno, it was very strange. I had fun but.. I'm not sure how to describe it. Sadly enough, I don't really remember that night. No, no alcohol involved. Just, eh, thoughts for another day.

What does this have to do with finding freedom? Hell if I know, but for years I have not lived. I'm not even sure if I'm living right now. First it was Sahil whom I lived through(?) and now it's John who I live with. I'm not my own person, and that's what I want to be nowadays. I want to have friends who like me for who I am--honestly, there are maybe two or three people who know me--and at least a love interest or two. Heh, to be 18 and never made out... wait, that's me!

I'll figure things out one day. If not, well... shit. I don't know. I try not to think, it helps reduce the stress.

Finding Freedom

And it is one of those sweet and blissful things... but only once one has attained it. Doing that, as you may have guessed, doesn't always come easily. However, I do believe that I am slowly on my way to gaining the freedom I have been seeking. Lesee where to start...

I had finished reading Rich Dad, Poor Dad and it got me thinking. After a good amount of time, I finally arrived at a question for myself: why did I want to get so much money? Well, money would give me the opportunity to not work. Or, at least to not immediately worry about having a job all of the time. Again, why did I not want to work? Hmm... because I gained free time? Yes, exactly. And suddenly, once I came to that realization, I knew exactly what I wanted and had a bit of an idea of how to get it. Money was part of it.

A quick term I'mma throw out: time affluent. According to some site--which was then referenced on one of my fav sites: Lifehacker--there are two different kinds of "affluent" people in the world. There are those who are affluent in the more common way, with money, and those who are affluent in time (though they usually have a good amount of money themselves). But yeah, the second kind of affluent is exactly what I want. I don't care about having nice things per se, but the thing I want most is time. So, as I continued to think about it, what comes with free time would be freedom. Traveling has always been one of my favorite things to do, so what if I had the affluency (I'm quite sure that I'm making words up here) in both money--and more importantly--time to just be traveling almost all of the time? It would be just what I had always wanted.

Still, the thing that's great about such "freedom" is that I am able to work whether or not I am making any sort of income. We all know that jobs can be one hell of a burden, something I don't want, but what if you didn't need the job? Well, you wouldn't necessarily be so worried about losing it. ... meaning that if you did lose it no big deal. Even more interesting, though, is that you would most likely search out jobs which you loved, because--let's face it--if you didn't have to work, it would be quite dumb to work doing something you didn't like.

So as of now, I am facing two major roadblocks on my way to "freedom." One is the money aspect, which will hopefully help me with getting the free time thing down. The other is a little less obvious. Think for a second... you know that you know me...

That's right: me.

Like I've mentioned before (um, I think), my antisocial skills and extreme fear in some situations render me incapable of achieving this freedom I want. But, there is one ridiculously easy thing I can do to overcome this problem: just rid myself of fear and get some of those "fabled" skillz (the 'z' means that it's.. better). Now that's a simplification of the process--how the hell do you get rid of fear?--but sometimes the hardest things can be solved by simple solutions. At least that's what I'm hoping. I do have to say that I have begun to understand better how to do this and, as of late, I have been acting...

Last weekend I went home for seemingly no reason at all. It was actually one of my on-the-spot decisions, meaning that it wasn't thought through at all--which for me is good. However, I was given a problem, as I would have nothing to do once I did get back home. I mean, I wanted to hang with Alex (which I did ^^) but had no idea of what else. Sit on my bed with my laptop for a day and a half? No thanks, I'll pass. I had already done that for the majority of winter break anyways. So instead, about a night or two before I left, a quick question ran through my head: who did I know that was close to home with whom I could "hang"? Bam! Two seconds later I had my answer. Little did I know that it would work out so well (after abusing my lying privileges and spending ten bucks on gas).

Friday I went home with the Indy--also known as Sahil--and had a relatively good ride. Kinda weird how we're still friends after all the shit, but, whatev. That's for another post. But yeah, got home and said hi to my parents who were totally surprised. I never got around to telling them that I was returning ^^; They didn't much mind (specially my dad, he just loves me -_-).

Right, Friday night. That basically ended up being me and my A-man hanging at home. Chillaxing. We were both pretty tired but still had a great time. Too bad we didn't get to see that movie together. Which movie do I speak of? Well... just gimme a sec!

Saturday morning I went to the Auto Show in DC. The night before I had agreed to go with my parents--mainly because it'd get me on their good side and let me go out that night (I had a plan!)--but it turned out to be pretty cool. Bunch of cars (obviously) but my favorites, as always, were the concept cars. They all look so futuristic and the fact that we could be driving them in a few years is soooooo cool. But yeah, overall, good. And, although I wouldn't call myself a car-lover, there are some cars that I like seeing. Mmmm... S2000. Er, *cleans drool* there. Sorry that you had to see that.

We--me and my parents--were all pretty hungry, not to mention tired, by the end of it so we decided to grab some Chinese food down at Chinatown(!). That was good ^_^ Oh, and during that I chatted with my parents about the movie I wanted to see. Which we did end up watching. Which you should watch too, cause it's scrumptulescent. No, really, go. It's called El Laberinto Del Fauno (or Pan's Labyrinth for you lazy non-Spanish-speakers).

After the movie it was late. Well, late just cause I had gotten up so early and done so much (in comparison to my usual weekends). And... damn this post is getting long and it's kinda late. So I'mma finish it later. This seems as good of a stopping point as any. ^^ Don't worry, there is a point to all this seemingly useless babbling. It's coming up next. Just sorta hang around 'til then.

Wii!!

Um, so I beat Zelda. Hmm? Oh, right.

Well, first off, I got a Wii. Yeah, that does explain the title. Go figure.

I was moping about, just, you know, existing at home one humble day when John gave me a call. He tells me, "Hey Gabe, I'm down here at Tysons at the EB Games and they have the Wii." Short pause there. Then I say, "Buy it." Simply, as if there truly shouldn't be any doubt to it. And, obviously, we all know that there shouldn't have been. Thus, a few hours later, having driven to Best Buy to get a copy of Twilight Princess, I was in business. And now, a week later, I have beaten the game. Put in a measly 30+ hours.

I agree, it did take me a while ^^; But "eating" and other stuff got in the way.

Seriously though, I was in a frenzy to beat the game. Although, ideally for me, I would have done a few more sidequests and the sort, but John and Ted watched me play about fifteen hours of the game; I would have felt guilty had I spent more time wasting their lives away. It was pretty funny. The two of them watching me play a video game. They were in a way "backseat gamers," minus the backseat. That did work out pretty well, though, since Zelda can be a multiplayer game, with all 'em puzzles and such. And I have to say, there were a bunch of them. And some of them were near impossible to figure out, as even with the three of us we still had trouble. But, that's what made it so infuriatingly good.. mmmm.

One complaint, however: bosses were too easy. For the most part that is. Sure, in the beginning--you only start with three hearts and heart pieces are slightly hard to find--enemies can be a toughy (those... shadow beings or whatever they're called), but they just get easier. Then again, I am quite good at the game... *cough* ^^;

Favorite Dungeon: Temple of Time (Mostly because of the cut scene where you unlock it...)
Favorite Hidden Skill: Mortal Draw (This move is just too good)
Favorite Item: Spinner(!!!)

The Secret to Wealth

A few days ago (*edit* now a few weeks ago) my dad gave me quite an interesting book to read titled Rich Dad, Poor Dad. And I am now done.

I have to say, wow, it is a great book. It really does tell you the secret that the wealthy have which they use--not to mention abuse--on a regular basis. I have been inspired! *cue chorus of angels* Yeah, it's that life-changing (if you are open-minded and actually willing to change your life actively that is).

While the book isn't written by JK Rowling--going for popularity there...--or by Shakespeare, it does have the ideas capable of creating a great new lifestyle. And obviously, I would like to do this. Basically, what the rich do, which those in the middle class and lower classes do not, is buy assets (the others buy many more liabilities and very few, if any, assets). Yup, it's that simple. Well then, what the hell is an asset? This is also pretty simple: anything that makes you money without you having to constantly be there (so, no, your job doesn't count). And on the reverse side of this coin are liabilities. Those are the things we buy which slowly put us into debt; cars, houses, etc.

As of now, I am pretty much a blank slate. While all my life I have been taught--by my parents, in school, society really--that getting a good education then a job would lead me to have a wealthy--and happy--life, obviously that is not 100% true. What the author of the book suggests is to become well-educated in money. And that includes the making of money. But even more importantly, it includes knowing how to make money work for you, which is more or less what an asset is. You spend money to buy this asset, and have it make money for you. Whether you bought a house you rent out, or some stocks which have gained value over time, it doesn't matter as long as you are making money.

So now the obvious thing for me to do is go out and learn as much as I can, while hopefully learning some through the acquiring of assets. As of now, I plan to speak with Vince, the most financially literate of my friends, to help me out in this process. And I hope to slowly grow those assets and be able to accomplish my ultimate goal (with money that is): not having to worry about whether or not I have a job or worry about how much said job pays. Wouldn't that be true freedom?

Now, on another note, though still related to the book. See, as I read one section, in which the author talked about overcoming fear (hehe, sounds like one of those self-help books...), I got to thinking about my life. Namely the fact that I am deathly afraid--in a subconscious sort of way--of letting people know what I really think of them. If you think about it, it's something that is rarely discussed between any two people, if ever at all. But yeah, because of this, I tend to avoid people I get along with and I don't act like the person I really am. Not only that, but I'll never be the first to tell somebody I like them, they'll have to do it or it'll most likely never get done. ... I really need to do something about that.

Gabe: A Life Lesson Around Every Corner!