The Epic Search For... Myself?

The events portrayed in this blog correspond to a few weeks ago.

It's been a strange week for me. Within the span of a week, I've gone from crying like a baby into my plushie VT pillow, to banging my head on my desk in a depressed stupor, to realizing an extremely important fact that may prevent such banging in the future (no guarantees about the crying).

I had a nice--quite depressing for me though--conversation with Alina a little over a week ago. During it is when all the crying happened. Why exactly? Well, I'd think by now you all know how much I belittle myself and all that jazz (being vague there ^^;). Yeah, belittle is actually a poor word to use. It lacks all the self-loathing. Buuut, that's just a technicality. Plus, things have.. changed in a way.

Anyways, conversation. So in chatting with her, depression set in and for a few days it was the only thing on my mind...

The next week, 'twas a Tuesday, I'd had enough. Sorta just exploded in one of those angsty ways. Thus, that night I had a nice long chat with James where I ranted quite pointlessly and he yelled at me for being so damned stupid. And, oddly enough, I actually learned something from that little exchange. The next day, when I finally sat down to think about what had happened, I realized that James was right: I did suck at thinking about myself. It was one hell of a revelation to me, since I had never really considered the fact. I had a philosophy with which I analyzed the world and pretty much everything outside of myself. Yet, in all that time, whenever I thought about myself, the things I had done, or just reflected, I saw only the bad things; all of the things that I've missed out on, the things that I'm missing out on, wondering if I would actually ever attain such things... Yeah.

But, if you've ever considered things like I did--that is, in a negative way--it obviously gets you nowhere. One has to attempt to reflect without all the inner bias (which is what I try to do whenever I'm considering other things, go figure). But, this is really hard to do, so to get some help I decided to ask people two questions:
1. How do you think about yourself/reflect on the things that you have done?
2. What do you think about me?

And, after asking Alina those questions, I've seriously considered asking people a third one... What do you think about the world? That would be pretty cool, since it would cover the person I'm speaking with, myself, and then the rest. But for now, I think I'm good with just two.

So, you may say that these questions are pretty vague. They are, but I always preface them with my little discussion of why I'm asking them. Also, I've always believed that the interpretation of a question is half the answer, meaning that me keeping things vague just gives me more insight into the person answering... ^^; Yeah.

Well, so far I've gotten some very interesting answers, as you would expect. Getting the chance to hear somebody's views is so strange at times, but very refreshing. No longer am I forced to go in circles within my own head since I can just examine things through somebody else's eyes... in a way. Thankfully, I have to say, this is helping me out in ways I never imagined. No longer am I trapped to think of myself as a loser, useless, pointless, hopeless. Instead, I hear what people think about me, how they view me, which so far has been pretty consistent. Oh, and I've learned that if I ever want to feel good about myself, all I have to do is ask a few certain people what they think about me ;)

Ja for now!