The Epic Search For... Myself?

The events portrayed in this blog correspond to a few weeks ago.

It's been a strange week for me. Within the span of a week, I've gone from crying like a baby into my plushie VT pillow, to banging my head on my desk in a depressed stupor, to realizing an extremely important fact that may prevent such banging in the future (no guarantees about the crying).

I had a nice--quite depressing for me though--conversation with Alina a little over a week ago. During it is when all the crying happened. Why exactly? Well, I'd think by now you all know how much I belittle myself and all that jazz (being vague there ^^;). Yeah, belittle is actually a poor word to use. It lacks all the self-loathing. Buuut, that's just a technicality. Plus, things have.. changed in a way.

Anyways, conversation. So in chatting with her, depression set in and for a few days it was the only thing on my mind...

The next week, 'twas a Tuesday, I'd had enough. Sorta just exploded in one of those angsty ways. Thus, that night I had a nice long chat with James where I ranted quite pointlessly and he yelled at me for being so damned stupid. And, oddly enough, I actually learned something from that little exchange. The next day, when I finally sat down to think about what had happened, I realized that James was right: I did suck at thinking about myself. It was one hell of a revelation to me, since I had never really considered the fact. I had a philosophy with which I analyzed the world and pretty much everything outside of myself. Yet, in all that time, whenever I thought about myself, the things I had done, or just reflected, I saw only the bad things; all of the things that I've missed out on, the things that I'm missing out on, wondering if I would actually ever attain such things... Yeah.

But, if you've ever considered things like I did--that is, in a negative way--it obviously gets you nowhere. One has to attempt to reflect without all the inner bias (which is what I try to do whenever I'm considering other things, go figure). But, this is really hard to do, so to get some help I decided to ask people two questions:
1. How do you think about yourself/reflect on the things that you have done?
2. What do you think about me?

And, after asking Alina those questions, I've seriously considered asking people a third one... What do you think about the world? That would be pretty cool, since it would cover the person I'm speaking with, myself, and then the rest. But for now, I think I'm good with just two.

So, you may say that these questions are pretty vague. They are, but I always preface them with my little discussion of why I'm asking them. Also, I've always believed that the interpretation of a question is half the answer, meaning that me keeping things vague just gives me more insight into the person answering... ^^; Yeah.

Well, so far I've gotten some very interesting answers, as you would expect. Getting the chance to hear somebody's views is so strange at times, but very refreshing. No longer am I forced to go in circles within my own head since I can just examine things through somebody else's eyes... in a way. Thankfully, I have to say, this is helping me out in ways I never imagined. No longer am I trapped to think of myself as a loser, useless, pointless, hopeless. Instead, I hear what people think about me, how they view me, which so far has been pretty consistent. Oh, and I've learned that if I ever want to feel good about myself, all I have to do is ask a few certain people what they think about me ;)

Ja for now!

No Time To...

... do a lot of things. Yeah, I've been busy lately.

First off, I am the secretary of CS Squared. Uh, well so far that hasn't meant much, but eventually it'll pile up. Instead, me and John have has to run the computer club down at Beek's (an elementary school here in Blacksburg) all by ourselves, when last semester we had six people working on it. It doesn't necessarily take up a lot of time, but it's just another thing I have. But yeah, it's pretty fun to do.

Another thing is the nineteen credits that I have, which is the maximum that any student is allowed to have without speaking to some adviser and getting special permission to take more. I have four classes Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, and then three on Thursday and Friday. So, I'm basically in class all day. Then, after the long days--ugh, Unix, Discrete, and Physics?--I have yet another thing to tend to... (before I can even begin my homework too)

I got yet another part time job here at the Tech. Yup, that's right. Gabe's a workin' man. Sort of.

Here we have a newspaper called The Collegiate Times. So one day a friend of mine tells me that he's part of the web development division which works on the website, posting the articles up everyday--among other things. Also, they apparently need people to help. Obviously, I think it a cromulent opportunity: helps me out by teaching me about the intrawebs and helps my resume out by giving it more things. Win win situation. There is one downside... actually, multiple. Like I said, I have work late at night, usually between eight and eleven, and I don't get back to do homework for a while. Annnd, so far it's unpaid--our division doesn't have enough money at the moment--but eventually I'll be a paid employee! *eyes shine* Actually, we're thinking of working on the website for our school yearbook and, if we do, we'll get five hundred dollars (lotta money!). And, according to my boss, I'll get half of it. Sa-weet.

But yeah, all these things have kept me busy. Oh, and programming practice started up again--on Saturday mornings as usual--which has me working even on weekends. It's all cool though, quite fun even. Really, I just want to get enough experience out of college to get a job I like which pays enough. Then, travel the world and enjoy myself. Oh, and learn. I love constantly learning about new things. In fact, my Science and Religion class has me questioning so many things that... well that's for another post. I think I'm done for now actually. I'll talk to you crazy people later.

Bundle of Ideas?

I had an idea the other day. Yeah, one of 'em philosophical ones (I really should get some sort of little intro music for when I get philosophical... it'd be cool). It all began in my Science and Religion class when an interesting topic was brought up:

We were talking about different forms of learning, in particular empiricism. Mike--it's what we call our teacher (cause that's his name)--was pointing out the distinction between it and rationalism. One of his points was that empiricists believe in a tabula rasa, or blank slate, meaning that when humans are born that their minds are empty. They have no knowledge, mainly the a priori kind, and will instead gain knowledge through their senses and experience. Yeah, that jazz.

Well, almost immediately after he made his point, somebody in the class just spoke out with a blatant "No." Curious, Mike asked her to explain. She went on to talk about instinct, which every animal has--humans not being an exception here. And then, that reminded me of what I was doing in Discrete Math a day before...

Sitting in Robeson 210 (if you're from Tech you probably know what room I'm talking about), bored out of my mind, I just started writing on the back of my notes. What'd I write? Eh, nothing special, but I'll put it up on dA later or something. I gotta finish it first, but the general gist was me wondering about two aspects of humans: emotion and rational thought. Comparing the two, thinking of how each one affects us all. I mean, give it a quick ponder... what would happen if we only had one or the other? Perfect rational thought. Would it create a perfect world? I don't think so, but it is quite the interesting topic. Need to sit down and give it more thought. Oh, and I don't even think I need to point out just how interesting a world with only emotion would be.

Right, so with the instinct thing in class brought up, I got to thinking--it's what I do. There is rational thought, human emotion, and.. instinct? Mm, sounds good to me! We are all born with instinct of sorts, although that is curbed both by our rational thought and emotion. Not entirely, mind you, but somewhat. Also, each person--being the special unique snowflake that we all are--uses each one in different amounts. I mean, that makes sense, right?

Not too sure what else to add at the moment. I really need to think things through a bit more. Maybe I'll do that when I go to bed. *shrugs* But don't worry, I'll keep you updated.

PS: Hmmmm, the title? It probably had something to do with philosophy of some sort. Don't really know, but just pretend that it's really important.

Finding Freedom (cont.)

Held on long enough? Good.

Saturday night, after watching Pan's Labyrinth with my parents, I did something highly uncharacteristically of me. Instead of staying home and going to bed early, I decided to--get ready to gasp here--take the initiative! *insert gasps* Yeah, that's right.

I was home and wanted to do something. I knew I would be home a few nights earlier, so I thought, why don't I find something to do? Thus, I did. Friday evening I had a chat with Maureen and decided that I would go and visit her over at American University (which for you non-Northern VA people, is in Washington, DC (which for you non-Northern VA people, is about forty minutes away from my home)). Originally she invited me to go to a party of sorts but in the end she never heard from her friend(s?) that was holding it. So instead I just went over and we hung--I got a grand tour of the tiny (in comparison to Tech's) campus. Twas fun and much better than staying at home doing nothing.

Mmmm, that was ridiculously vague. Oh well. I had a point to bringing this up... *thinks... hard-er* Ohhhh! I got it.

Right, so I was taking initiative. I almost feel kind of bad for lying so horridly that night. In my head I had had the whole thing planned for days--which is funny cause the whole thing wasn't planned until Saturday at like 10 PM--so I was forced to adapt to the situation. I went with my parents to the car show so that they'd be a little more lenient with me (although I'll admit I had fun) and I obviously talked to Maureen and told her that I was bored because I wanted to go visit. ... I feel manipulative >.< Unh, things can never be natural when it comes to social situations for me. Go go suckiness at life!

Erm, back on topic. I told my parents that I was going to stay at Alex's (Berserk's) house cause 1. they didn't know him and 2. he lived relatively close. Instead of a fifteen minute car ride, though, I went to DC, a 45 minute ride. No worries, I planned ahead. Had the gas, had directions, hell, it's like everything went exactly as I had planned it. I dunno, it was very strange. I had fun but.. I'm not sure how to describe it. Sadly enough, I don't really remember that night. No, no alcohol involved. Just, eh, thoughts for another day.

What does this have to do with finding freedom? Hell if I know, but for years I have not lived. I'm not even sure if I'm living right now. First it was Sahil whom I lived through(?) and now it's John who I live with. I'm not my own person, and that's what I want to be nowadays. I want to have friends who like me for who I am--honestly, there are maybe two or three people who know me--and at least a love interest or two. Heh, to be 18 and never made out... wait, that's me!

I'll figure things out one day. If not, well... shit. I don't know. I try not to think, it helps reduce the stress.